Midnightdorifto's 7 Deadly Sins of Driving, Traffic Violations worthy of Capital Punishment Options

[midnightdorifto]

In no particular bloody order:

1.) Tailgating. Excuse me, sir, I know we're both traveling at the same speed and this, for some reason, offends you so much that you'd like to be able to count the metal flakes in the paint on my rear bumper, but if it isn't too much to ask, once you back off at least a couple of car lengths, could you go chew on aluminum foil? If you can predict the future and know when I'm going to brake and when I'm going to accelerate from your position of clairvoyance 15 microns from the back of my car, you shouldn't be driving. You should be betting on horses and making a killing. If you do not, in fact, have the ability to predict the future, please save me raping your insurance company because you are a military-grade douchebag and hit the back of my car by just letting off the pedal on the right just a smidge.

2.) Weaving. For once, I'd like to see this guy and the tailgating guy hit each other. Head on. With nuclear-tipped Cavaliers. Why, for the love of Christ, do you see the need to find the smallest space between cars to squeeze through so that you can arrive at your particular domicile 45 seconds earlier? Is Grey's Anatomy really that important to you? Hulu has it, so you can quit it with the ridiculous lane changes.

3.) Sitting below the belt-line of your car. I'm going to go ahead and assume that your chair is broken to the point where you must recline all the way back in your seat and your head barely clears the steering wheel. That or you're avoiding enemy fire by ducking and covering. Because, under no circumstances, could that possibly look cool or be at all practical unless you're attempting to both sleep and drive, which, I do not believe is entirely possible in this realm of existence. Oh, and turn down the fucking music. Yes, we know you listen to rap and have a sub woofer the size of a yak. It was what first tipped us off to your mental incapacitation. Good luck at the Holding Hands meeting, hope you find a monkey that takes a liking to you.

4.) Not using a turn signal. How in the hell do you drive without your hands? I'm assuming this because otherwise it would indicate that you just don't use an indicator when switching lanes or turning. And that would make you a giant cock. Maybe you have the same telekinesis that the tailgating guy has, but, otherwise, it's the stalk on the left, fuckwit.

5.) Left-Lane Bandits. Do you know why they call it the passing lane? Are you at all curious? Or are you just fucking happy to sit doing 10 under the limit and backing up traffic like a drum major? Are you capable of intelligent thought? Are you mouthing the words while reading this?

6.) Eaters/Shavers/Makeup Artists. How fucking bulimic do you have to be so malnourished to the point of eating while driving a 3500lb. vehicle at 70mph? And at what point in time did you wake up so late that the only time you can find to shave or apply makeup is in the middle lane at 7:30 with people who have children and other such things to live for driving in the lane next to you? Are you that goddamn stubbly/whorish? I know its a full 3 minutes of your morning to give up, but for the sake of the rest of humanity, next time you feel the need to multi-task while driving just stab yourself.

7.) Cell phone users. I discovered that people with cellphones cannot drive this morning personally when Princess Incompetence herself in a navy blue Corolla attempted to strike my existence while I was crossing the street at a stop sign on my bike. I would hate to interrupt your conversation so that you could pay attention to who is crossing the street, and I know that I'm a bad person deep down, but do you really think that is worthy of going to jail for vehicular manslaughter? I didn't think so either. And I know you're not really a bad person deep down, just a complete and utter failure at using that deductive engine known as a brain for anything productive. Hopefully stripping for the rest of your life treats you well. But before you discover that you have nothing to offer this world, I'll just say this: people on their cellphones (and hands-free devices) are impaired while driving. So fuck you.

Goddamnit.